Peak Dope: Keith Richards Was Just Joking. Sheesh!

Heather here blogging about the whole “snort me up” debacle.

Relax. Keith Richards was only joking when he said he snorted his dad’s ashes. His spokesperson is on damage control right now trying to set the record straight.

By the time I heard it was all a joke, I had already thought deeply about Riff-Hard’s snorting of his daddy’s ashes. I was trying to figure out what would possess him to snort some ashes. I thought with all the various powdery substances no doubt sitting around the Richards manse, it would be easy to mix up a pile of daddy’s ashes with a pile of cocaine or a pile of the housekeeper’s Ajax for that matter.

Maybe it was an accident or a dare. Like maybe the most notorious cocaine snorting rocker of the moment, Pete Doherty, dared him to do it. Imagine the coversation.

PD: “I’ll snort anything. I bet you won’t”

KR: “Very, uh, huma, calligooguh nah.”

KR translation: “Will too, whippersnapper.”

PD: “Oh yeah, snort your dad’s ashes. I bet you won’t.”

KR: “Ooh, kit poo har har eh what you kodukah.”

KR translation: “You know I will! Get my credit card and a mirror!”

PD: “Alrighty, mate! I bet you some naked photos of my girl, Kate Moss.”

KR: “Errr, uh-huh, saw ‘em those uh errr huh.”

KR translation: “Oh, we’ve all seen those, haven’t we?”

Then I kept thinking about Richards snorting his dad’s ashes and it brought to mind a visual of Captain Jack Sparrow bent over a mirror with a dollar bill. It is not an image I can erase from my mind.

It would actually make snort of a nice father’s day story, no? (That’s not a typo). Richards said his dad wouldn’t have cared about being snorted up into his son’s sinus. I think my own father would be a little mad at me if I snorted his ashes. He’s not dead yet but I already know it wouldn’t be his wishes to end up inside my nose. If I did it, he’d undoubtedly haunt me by magically making my skirts grow down past my knees before leaving the house. I hear the dead have special powers like that.

I also hear people in Phoenix are the most offended by the “Snort Me Up” story and for good reason. We spend our every day here working on curing sinus infections, colds, and allergies undoubtedly influenced by the brown cloud hanging above our city. To hear that someone would actually snort some dust up into the nasal passages on purpose is something we just don’t understand!

Finally, I have been reading the NME article that started all this. Read it because it proves my imaginary conversation between Doherty and Richards will never happen because he doesn’t like Doherty. He’s actually friends with Moss and thinks Doherty should just leave her alone.

If that’s not enough Peak Dope for you right now, relax. I’ll be back later with more.

Feel free to leave us a comment about this friend you had who did something crazy with the ashes of Someone Who Shall Remain Nameless. Remember “Meet The Parents” and how the urn of grandma’s ashes got knocked over and broke? Feel free to share stories like that with us. Just don’t use your real name. We don’t want to be dragged onto Springer with you when your relatives find this blog.